It all started about 20 years ago, when I became pregnant with my first child. I was separated from my husband, so I made the decision to leave my life in Maryland behind and move back home to Florida to be with my family. With my son's father 1,000 miles away, I moved in with my aunt and her family, and struggled to face the end of my marriage, worked from home as a web designer, and tried to figure out how I was going to raise this baby on my own. I found myself in the biggest state of depression I'd ever experienced in my young life.
I remember day after day, locking myself in the bathroom, showering ever-so-quickly while my aunt held the baby and muffling my cries until I made myself sick. I was a mess. I needed help but I didn't know how to find it. Don't get me wrong, I had a very supportive family... Parents and siblings and cousins that were frequently checking in on me, and providing much-needed love and attention. And while I was surrounded by people, I had never felt more alone. Was this sadness, guilt, pain ever going to go away? Would I ever be happy again?
I wrote in journals about my despair. I wrote poems. I drew pictures. Reading them back to myself, I felt ashamed. I was so lost. Felt so alone. Felt absolutely broken. Defeated.
Soon, I made an appointment with a local mental health therapist that specialized in divorce and grief counseling, and those sessions were increasingly helpful in removing the grief, guilt and shame that I was experiencing. I received tools to manage my sadness and fear. I discovered how some old experiences continued to play a part in my self-destructive habits. And I learned how leaning on others is powerful (not weak), and nothing to be ashamed of. I began taking steps in healing. It was helping, but I still had a long ways to go.
One day, on a search for pregnancy answers, I stumbled upon a forum for women that were expecting. I quickly created an account, and found an amazing network of women that were expecting babies in the same month as I was from all over the country. I posted questions and received such amazing, loving responses that I no longer felt so alone. There were a couple others that were even single, like me. I received an immense amount of support from these ladies, and looked forward to checking the boards every day. Within days, this community became my tribe. They knew what I was going through, and some could relate. Their advice and perspective gave me strength to keep going, and even look forward to what the future held for me and my baby.
As life's challenges were sure to come, not all the pregnancies were carried to term, not all pregnancies were easy, and no matter the circumstance we comforted and supported each other. When a test result didn't look good for one of my ladies, we virtually held her hand and did everything we could to give her hope and strength. We helped with research, we shared personal experiences. We reminded each other that we were not alone. Through private messages and phone calls and tears, we pushed through those joyous, and sometimes painful events and milestones. We kept in touch through the births and upbringing of our sweet babies, and I'm happy I'm still friends with a couple of those women to this day. Our babies are now 19 years old (we were all due in April of 2001), and it is amazing to see how much they've all grown and how far we've come.
This tribe helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life, in part I believe, because I wasn't only focused on myself, but on being strong for others as well. It's the power of your village. Having your tribe. Helping each other, even when we were struggling ourselves.
While those forums I adored no longer exist today, I've never forgotten how amazing that was... And this village mentality is what I'd like to create today.
Bring your sick, your poor, your successes, your challenges and your dreams. Find your village.
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