Steps to Cultivate Self Love

As promised, I am delivering steps to cultivate self love. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to practice these every day. While it may feel like a lot of work at first (especially if you're starting from ground zero), it pays off in spades almost immediately.

"But Isis," you say, "I already love myself and this sounds silly!" To you, my young padawan, I say... Are you sure you do? In a previous post, I explained and shared a list of signs that you are in urgent need of self love. You can read it here.

So let's dive in! Here are the eight steps:

1. Practice Mindfulness You might be surprised to learn that self-awareness and mindfulness are not all that common! Or maybe you've already noticed it in other people. Mindfulness is simply paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally. You can begin by reflecting on your own actions and the intentions behind them. Ask yourself: Why did I say I'll go out tonight when I would prefer a quiet night at home? Why don't I eat healthier foods when I know they will make me look and feel better? Why do I skip the gym or yoga classes? Why do I put up with this unhealthy relationship? Why do I stay in a job that makes me unhappy and stresses me out constantly? Why am I afraid to speak up in meetings? Why do I feel like I'm unlovable, or "too much?" Getting to the bottom of your "why" is key to letting things go, and finding the strength to take any action necessary to change them. Mindful people are clear about how they feel, what they think, and what they want. For some, this may be the toughest one to tackle, but I believe it's the most important one.

2. Act on what you need instead of what you want As small children, our parents made all the decisions for us. From what you were eating for meals to nap times and bedtime. What birthday parties you can go to, and who you can hang out with. And while we may not have been happy about it, we needed that direction. It didn't always align with what we want, right? As adults, we have a pretty hard time parenting ourselves. We stare are our phones when we should really be doing something productive. We stay up later than we should, knowing we have to get up early for work. We drink in excess, and we will even stay in relationships that are unhealthy. Ask anyone who has left a romantic relationship that wasn't working for them how they felt once they bypassed the excuses and left. They will say something like "I don't know why I waited so long" or "It's the best decision I ever made!" Ask someone who left a job that was unbelievably stressful and made them miserable, to find a new job doing something they enjoy and find fulfilling. Again, they will express pride in the strength to move on to greener pastures. You are actually loving yourself when you’re able to turn away from something that feels good and exciting to what you really need to stay centered, strong, and moving forward in your life, instead. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from behavior patterns that can lead you into trouble, and keep you stuck in the past. Act on what you need rather than what you want.

3. Forgive yourself There is a quote that I love. It says "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know until you lived through it." I have personally struggled a LOT with this one. I spent years beating myself up for my mistakes, until I realized that my younger self had a COMPLETELY different perspective on those decisions. She was younger, emotionally charged with the issues she was facing. She did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I couldn't keep holding on to this grudge forever; it served no purpose. What was purposeful, however, was the lesson I took from those experiences. I paid dearly for them, and beating myself up for the rest of my life was not benefiting me (or anyone else) at all. It was actually holding me back from healing and finding happiness. Once I understood that, it was easy to forgive myself. And with that forgiveness came a surprising gift in self love; an appreciation for the healing of a deep wound I finally sealed, followed by a celebration of the scar it left behind so that I won't ever forget. I loved myself enough to forgive, and respect myself enough to ensure I don't commit the same mistakes in the future. So revisit your younger self. Think back. Ask yourself what led you to that choice. Understand who you were then, what you were feeling, what you knew, and what you didn't know. Acknowledge that it's not your present. It isn't who you ARE. What did it teach you? Use that lesson to strengthen your resolve and move forward by letting go of that heavy guilt. It no longer serves you.

4. Practice Good Self Care Prioritize and follow through on improving your dietary habits, exercise, quantity/quality of sleep, and intimacy. Nurture your healthy relationships with friends and family. A good start is to begin with a morning routine, preferably one that allows you the time and space to action some of those. One of my favorites is words of affirmation. Start the day by telling yourself something positive, like how well you tackled your to do list yesterday, or how competent you were in a meeting, or how beautiful you look today! I know it sounds silly, but I swear I do this daily (maybe I'll share some of my personal affirmations in another video), and it absolutely works to boost your spirit and confidence. You can also practice mediation. Eat a healthy breakfast. Engage in light conversations with your family. Pack a healthy lunch. Go for a walk or run. Maybe visit the gym, or do a short yoga session. All of these will go a long way in getting you to feel great, and ready for your day! These choices will produce results; just keep doing them, and stop making excuses.

5. Live intentionally Once you are clear on what you want out of life (be it an amazing career, building a family, creating healthier bonds with your loved ones, or a healthier body and mind), you will have purpose. You will love yourself more once you see the fruits of your labor. It feels good to spend quality time with your loved ones. Wouldn't it also feel incredible to land that dream job or launch that business? Wouldn't it feel amazing to lose those pounds you never thought you could? Don't lose sight of the dream, and stay committed to aiming directly for it! Live intentionally.

6. End all toxic relationships Seriously. Get rid of people that are disrespectful or bring unnecessary drama into your life. Watch for red flags, and if you see them, walk away. If their presence stresses you out or makes you feel bad about yourself, let them go. Not all friendships or romantic relationships are deserving of your investment. You are responsible for protecting yourself from things and people that make loving yourself and living with purpose very difficult. Toxicity is contagious and if you stick around long enough, you will be infected. If someone you know comes to mind, be courageous and end it. Protect yourself.

7. Surround yourself with loving and encouraging people Choose who you spend time with wisely and with intention. They should respect and admire your strengths. They should be your biggest cheerleaders when you've succeeded! They will supplement your weaknesses by supporting you during challenging times. They can motivate you, remind you that you are strong and amazing. As stated in the previous action: Let go of those who do not meet your minimum requirements; good juju only!

8. Set Boundaries This one is the KEY to succeeding in all of the above, and also the one that challenged me the most. The term confuses a lot of people. I've actually had people tell me that boundaries are a cop out to commitments, and I have had to be clear in the definition to help them understand. So here it goes: As the great Brené Brown says, boundaries are "simply our lists of what's okay and what's not okay. When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or choice." So - stop saying yes when you want to say no. It is perfectly okay to say "I can't take that on right now" or "My plate is full." As for your personal relationships, you need to be very clear about what is okay and what is not okay. If people don't respect them, they need to be held accountable. It's VERY important to mean what you say. If someone crosses your very clear boundaries, you must hold them accountable. Boundaries aren't set until you follow through on the consequence and stick to your convictions. Think about your hard lines, and follow through. For a great discussion on boundaries, watch Brené Brown on YouTube here.

This list may seem daunting to you. If that's the case, start with just one or two that feel do-able. The results in and of themselves will keep you motivated to go forward, so it pays to just get started. Remember that you are worth it! You are responsible for your own happiness.

I hope this helps to get you started... If you need elaboration or have a specific questions, please do post a message, and I'll gladly respond!

What steps are you already taking? Which ones do you feel will be the most difficult one to take?

Good speed (not luck) on your journey. Namaste.